I have missed this space immensely this summer. I feel quite sad every time I think about my little space here on the interent, and how I feel I have neglected it this year, but especially this summer. More than anything, I was so looking forward to the months following graduation. I’m a college graduate!! I’m past undergrad!! I should be taking advantage of the rest before I plunge back into school for a MAT!! But alas, I just haven’t been able to “take advantage” as I planned. Coming to terms with that has actually been more difficult than I thought, so here is a “think piece”, of sorts, on rest—no matter what it ends up looking like.
Let us start with the hard parts…
I knew that the last year pushed me further into my introversion, but I think I seriously underestimated the extent of that until a couple of weeks ago. on rest on rest on rest on rest on rest
June — joy & busyness
What with the state reopening, and my graduation to celebrate, as well as my cousin Julie’s, June turned out to be very busy. It was fun, at first, but as you will see later, the novelty wore off quickly for this introvert. My brother and cousin played summer ball, so I was out at their games quite a lot. Two major grad parties took days of preparation. Making sure I made time to see friends took dedicated energy. Add to that the basics of life: exercise for a couple of hours, 5x a week, the same time or more to study my Bible, spending time with my family each day, preparing and eating food, etc.
June went by way quicker than I anticipated. And I was getting back into reading, which was a joy, because I had only worked through George Orwell’s Collection of Essays from April 24 to May 24 (see: the last stretch of undergrad lol). But even the reading, though it was welcomed and enjoyed thoroughly, felt slow and sluggish, because getting back into that rhythm was harder than anticipated. It was an odd thing: feeling that time is flying by with little time to catch my breath, and also that it was going slower in other areas. on rest on rest on rest
I wasn’t really creating anything in June, but I was existing, doing what I do best every summer—starting my mornings early, deep cleaning my room, listening to the audio dramas of The Chronicles of Narnia, and enjoying every second in my room and at home because it was unburdened by school or overarching responsibilities. Which felt wonderful and lovely, but also felt strange.
I wasn’t even journalling that much. And that was the first stage of bubbling-beneath-the-surface frustration and dissatisfaction. Because I’ve been wanting to journal regularly since before the semester ended, but I couldn’t because the semester hadn’t ended, and I thought about my journal most days, but never had the time or the energy to pick it up.
And then July happened.
July — usually my favourite month, but this year it was very, very hard
I was fine, just fine. But then I unexpectedly lost time to myself that first full week (the 4th-10th), when I had already anticipated losing time to prep for going out of town that weekend for a wedding. So, I felt unbalanced going into that weekend, but ended up feeling happy and satisfied once it actually started.
So, I felt fine. Not for long. We were home for two days before we left for Newport and then San Diego. Which, again, ordinarily, would be fine. (Take a shot for every time I use the word “fine.”) BUT. My social battery was drained. And we had company one of those two days. And then we left, and I was going to be in very close quarters with my family for five days.
FINE. Right?!?! No. As a general rule? Yes. In this particular moment? Not really.
Here is the second stage of frustration.
I cried three times that week LUL. I was just overwhelmed a bit, so little things that wouldn’t ordinarily bug me, did. And I kinda had cabin fever towards the end and just wanted to be home. As Laura Ingalls once said on the tv adaptation of Little House on the Prairie, “Home is the nicest word there is.” Well, boy howdy, I have never agreed with her more. And I agree with that statement always, but I FELT IT that week. It was the nicest word I could think of, and the one I clung to when things were a little bit bumpy.
Writing & creating, both a blessing and a curse
Moreover, I did Camp NaNoWriMo this year. (It’s still July when this goes up, so I haven’t exactly won yet, but I am very, very close, hehe.) It was truly an escape for me, every single day. I mostly wrote at night, and though it meant less sleep (which didn’t really help how I was feeling), it balanced out because it was release & expression.
This was both wonderful for me as a writer (and as a person, I wrote through some of these difficult moments and still managed to create essays and paragraphs and sentences and bits of prose that I remain very proud of) and hard for me as a creative. Because while I enjoyed the push to write and meet a goal each day, I still wasn’t journalling or blogging—seeing as how my words were going to my projects, and not to those outlets.
This was the third and final arc of frustration.
I wanted to be here, on this space, so much. Between Camp, the time away from home, day-to-day living, not being able to exercise (bc busy!!), & losing routine and rhythm, I didn’t even have the energy to take bookstagrams. I didn’t have time or energy to blog. I didn’t get to dedicate time to journalling. It was truly a weird couple of weeks. I was happy when I wrote each night for Camp, generally happy to be with my family, and certainly grateful that I am in the privileged position to be able to take trips. But I was also struggling with social burnout.
And that was okay.
Healing
He walks with me…
My constant through all of this was, first and foremost, my relationship with Christ. Between what I marked as personal failures (my creative shortcomings, inability to exercise, etc) and what were actually personal, spiritual failures (lapses in that relationship with Jesus, not prioritising time with Him, impatience with my family, etc), He was gracious with me, as He always has been.
When I would fail, and would not run to Him as I should have, He nudged me to Him gently. It might be in one of the sermons I listened to. Or in a worship song or hymn. In one of the points that my dad made in Bible study that morning. In the sunrise, the smell of sea, or the raging heat upon return to the Valley–which meant I was home sweet home. He is gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and tender mercies for me.
I am not enough, ever. But He is. The difficulties of this summer have proved that to me all over again. I couldn’t have gotten through those moments on my own. In fact, I tried to. Even though I know this wonderful truth—that He is my strength, not myself—I still attempted to get out of my slumps on my own. But I couldn’t do it without Him. And it is He who restored me to peace in the end. Not anything that I did, or tried to do.
Home <3
Returning from SD was the happiest I have ever been to end a trip and come back to the triple-digit, oppressive, and suffocating heat of home.
My bed has never felt so nice.
I had all of last week to recharge at home. I didn’t go anywhere until Thursday, AND ‘TWAS DIVINE. It was oh-so-necessary, in more ways than one. Certainly, it helped me regroup and feel myself again. But also, it got me feeling me again when I most needed and wanted to—right before Pismo. I couldn’t bear to go into my most favourite time of year not feeling my best, and thank God, I was feeling a lot better a mere 36 hours into being home.
I had copious amounts of earl grey, in “high tea” fashion; ie, I would steep the tea into my teapot, use my fine china teacups and saucers, and take it to my room on my little teatime tray. It’s the little things, really.
I watched tv or movies, listened to music, listened to Narnia, and did what I have been returning to all summer, what has been my longest love, what has truly proven to be a valuable escape this year: read.
Books <333
June might have still felt slow for the reading, but it picked up there in the last couple of weeks. (Summer zoomed me through my reading challenge; I’m currently sitting at 55/60 for my goal, 92% total, 21 books ahead of schedule—like WUT.) Ever since, I’ve been on a roll.
I revisited Ketterdam and fell deeper in love with Matthias and then adventured into Fjerda and back into Ravka when I devoured KOS & ROW. (Thoughts DEFINITELY incoming, lol.) I re-read The Folk of the Air series (perfect, really, because I’ve been wanting to talk about it since I first read the books back in December and now darling Cardan is fresh in my mind).
I started my annual re-read of The Chronicles of Narnia last week, and I averaged one book a day until I got busy (happily!) packing & prepping for Pismo on Thursday. These beloved stories have never been so therapeutic for me as they were this year.
And now…
I am content. I am satisfied. I’m currently in Pismo, nearing the end of sea-week, and it has been joy invincible.
I’ve been writing for Camp still, everyday. Getting that word count in, maintaining a steady flow of inspiration, miraculous. (In fact, I’ve actually written more fiction than anything. My original plan was non-fiction–personal essays, mostly–but a story came to me, and I am THRILLED about it.)
I’ve been reading. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader and The Silver Chair earlier this week, and my first ever Morgenstern starting Tuesday night: The Starless Sea is STUNNING. In fact, I’m going to finish it up when I finish writing this. Stalking Jack the Ripper (#1) is up next. (The Last Battle always brings me to MANY tears, so I shall not be picking that up until we’re on our way home from Pismo, lol.)
I am with my family in my most favourite place in the world, in my favourite month of the year, and my life is purpled with blessings, adorned with belly-aching laughter, enriched by the love of those around me, all of which is furnished by the sovereign grace of Christ.
So…
This is your reminder that things will get better. Healing will come. It might be in the most unexpected ways, or in the most familiar ones. But it will come.
And if you’re like me, and you feel like you’re not necessarily allowed to feel bad for more than a couple of days because you’re blessed enough to not struggle with diagnosed anxiety or depression, and your life is materially, emotionally, and spiritually blessed—this is your friendly reminder that that is not true. To be sure, there is a balance to be struck, but you are human. Wonderfully, beautifully, intrinsically human. You can feel anxious and sad, even if it’s not an ongoing issue for you. You can move through those emotions and phases and know that they’re valid—you’re valid.
If it is an actual diagnosis for you, of course, this sentiment is more than true for you, and the circumstances are entirely different. You, too, will come out of that darkness. There is light for you. I’ve seen it happen for beloved friends of mine, and I’m confident for you as well <3
Thank you for reading my rambles on rest–losing it and finding it. I appreciate it. I appreciate all of you, this space, the book community, and the books that often provide so many of us with escapism and respite. Here’s to Story. Cheers.